jokes about new york city

A single tower fell in Paris., 107. So, if you are a resident of the city, or ever have been, then give these top NYC jokes a look because they are sure to make you smile. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50. (Brooklyn will have its day on Thursday, and Manhattan will be on Friday.) It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. In New York its always raining Katz and dogs. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. Here are our favorites so far, in alphabetical order. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. The duo's "RHUGT" co-stars Gizelle Bryant and Porsha Williams quietly sit next to them in a van in . A guy will tell you, Yeah, Im a producer. And hes driving a cab. Freddie Prinze, I like living in L.A. One thing I dont like about living here is driving. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid. Aziz Ansari, I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid. The Stock Exchange. A dollar is good for 4 quarters. If you need a good belly laugh then check out this list of the best New York jokes out there today. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin. 41. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., I love giving tourists directions. 103. Hughley, When its 100 degrees in New York, its 72 in Los Angeles. But most other food should be stickless. Steve Carell, The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. Moo York. It gives too much information to the enemy. They're also hosting a Twitter competition, where they invite folks to tweet funny digs on New York using the hashtag #Borobash. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? And, as if by magic, instead of breaking apart, the car hits the ground and . 97. Thats not my area up there!' Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? 64. The guy was very rude. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family., 76. There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. Why did New Year's Eve in NYC stink? The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. Most of the time thats not so bad, but in New York City? Wish Id known that before I risked my life. Dont surprise me on Brooklyn bridge. When were standing on 4th Street., I was on the train. Because while New York City is amazing, its definitely not perfect. Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. 4. Try the New York pretzels. Next stop, 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? March 10, 2014. After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? In a Netflix comedy by Katharine McPhees stepdaughter. Im like, Cat noise? I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? Im dedicated to this. Hannibal Buress, Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. 81. What did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? 13. How hard would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? And I turned around and it was a cat. In New York, thats from building to building. 35. What is the best way to get from Boston to NYC? I would say it boat-time! New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire., 60. Our homeless people are serious, man. Made it to the Statue of Liberty. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? I do this every day on Tinder. I decided that Im gonna argue with this guy, but Im gonna argue about something else. Although I was at the library today. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters., 48. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. When you get there, you gotta get out like, All right, Im home. Start making someones day by giving them a good laugh. These cookies do not store any personal information. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it? Colin Quinn, Ive lived in New York City way too long. Alongside hilarious jokes and . The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. 105. Honestly, I dont get the big deal. OUR LATEST VIDEOS 2. Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. Planning to visit NY for the first time? smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! Yawn. Enjoy! Whats a dogs favorite state? Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit. Caroline Rhea, One day there was four innocent people shot. Your closet is filled with black clothes. Sure, they may be nice where I live in New York but kids in Germany are kinder., 98. Share our funny New York jokes with your friends and families! The end wouldnt come as a surprise here. 48. He kept yelling at me. Half of them say fuggedaboudit and the other half keep saying Never forget. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? The guy was very rude. I didnt get much sleep. Even the birds are junkies. 58. By entering your email address you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and consent to receive emails from Time Out about news, events, offers and partner promotions. You know, everything in New York is just so pitcher perfect. $5.00. One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio. Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO! John Mulaney, The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. When were standing on 4th Street. Todd Barry, I was on the train. newyorkcomedyclub.com. 29. Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. Yeah, New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks. Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. Turns out the truth was hidden in train sight. Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, whats a good building?' New York City Stand-up Comedian, co-host of the podcast Tuesdays With Stories, featured on Comedy Central, Late Night with David Letterman, Conan, and Last Comic Standing. But I guess thats because its the city that never sleeps. Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. 47. While NYC is great, it can be frustrating at times. They really dropped the ball! Like Soho., 74. I love the view. I moved to New York City for my health. The No. When it airs Saturday at 10 p.m. I live in New York. Bookworms. Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. I fucked up severely My roommate says, I need to shave and use the shower. Ever watched how the Brooklyn bridge was built? The swelling from your head from getting jacked! Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. Hes got a homeless guy. Slums with trees. She is from another country. . I love this city; its a great city. We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. A visitor. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? For five days starting on Monday, October 8, were asking you to tweet your best jokes about a specific borough with the hashtag #borobash. Many people already bank on it. Saul Bellow, New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature. Thomas Jefferson, New Yorkers realize its a filthy hole. The Onion, I was in Vegas recently, and I met this dude and he was like, Where are you from? and I said, New York City Hes like, Aw, man. And L.A. is a very short commute to America, its like half an hour on the plane. Craig Ferguson, Los Angeles is seven suburbs in search of a city. Alexander Wolcott, Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel. Fran Lebowitz, You know, youre really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door. Steve Martin, I love Los Angeles. You know, just taking cheesy selfies in New York. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City? Henny Youngman, The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. Jack Barry, I moved to New York City for my health. Yiha, you are already subscribed with this email :). Im like, Dude, arent you cold? No, Im from New York. It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! Our newsletter hand-delivers the best bits to your inbox. Now theres a store that just sells mayonnaise It is probably the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen. Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. Being truly alone makes you nervous. 17. Its just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. Dj vu! You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!, 27. 1. Two Towers., 9. A: Moo York. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a32ddda03a3495616beb7beee82b25c4" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Its a very liberal city, but its so hypocritical in what its liberal about. In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor., 86. 93. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in the film Willow. 46. Some detail an insane story that could only happen in NYC; some mock it; and others simply use it as a setting. One day there were four innocent people shot. Thats what New York Citys done to me. This post may contain affiliate links. Lets cross the bridge when we come to it. Everybody loves it. The cab flies into the air and starts breaking apart as the cabbie prays for his life. A visitor. Thats what New York Citys done to me. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him., Everybody in New York has lost their minds. There are so many ways to die here. And where else can I have so much fun while writing? Over the course of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers took down their beloved city. Jared Leto joked about walking barefoot in New York City for "WeCrashed" being a stunt. I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio., 84. Now its high time to bring you the best jokes about our fair city. The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. Its so dirty and smelly. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously. Joan Rivers, This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white? Hari Kondabolu, I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet. Al McGuire, Ive now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones unfortunately, its a lowercase L. Rita Rudner, The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. Jon Stewart, New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train. Dave Barry, In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor. Quentin Crisp, I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio. Craig Anton, No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab. Scott Adams, I live in Los Angeles. Hard to find four innocent people in New York. Will Rogers, Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut. Fred Allen, People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back. Bill Hicks, You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! I made eye contact with this woman. They stick to the ground. 7. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green. So I have to do it now. 90. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. New Yorkers are confusing. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? Tire-less. Statin Island., 16. There goes Obama! And Id let them have their laughs because when the condos come in, they have to leave. The whole show is in a silly, goofy mood. "Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Year's Eve? Nothing twists my mind like New York pretzels. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick.. So theres a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. Anita Weiss, New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Jeff Garlin, In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. Judith Stone, Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Ghostbusters II, New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Bill Maher, Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Nikita Khrushchev, New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. And lets not tell them either. Upstate New York can be really cold. Copyright 2022 travelnewyorknow.com. What part of Mexico are your ancestors from? Los Angeles, bitch! George Lopez, Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. This post may contain affiliate links. Love a good play on words? Your email address will not be published. *Sorry, there was a problem signing you up. ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales. Monday, Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York Comedy Club on 4th Street. 12. The end., In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. Why are New Yorkers so depressed. 99. Bookworms. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. Stay away from him. I love this city; its a great city. Statin island. Nick Johnson, About HomeSnacks May 6, 2018 HomeSnacks is reader-supported. People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back., 71. 2022-03-21T17:59:35Z . Empire State Building? I mean, the dogs not thrilled with the deal. . I also collected my favorite best 29 New York City Songs here. A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. Cant be the animal that makes that noise. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. Half of them say fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget. I should have gotten in a cab or called the cops immediately. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? I said, Yeah, man, youre free. 50. Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year.. Who was your source on that, New York Post? Hes got a cab-drivers license, I can see it right there. I dont know what you need to get a cab-drivers license. 6. Under an angel is a hero. I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67. Racist topics make me nervous. 66. Want some fun facts, jokes or both? I hope you share my sense of humor. In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. . Hard to find four innocent people in New York., 70. It was like, You pulled it off. Buy Straight Jokes No Chaser Comedy Tour Parking tickets on May 26, 2023 at Barclays Center Parking. Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow? I like New York. Hes driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional. There are over 8 million people in this city. 154. For instance, their fire department wont make house calls. Mort Sahl, Homeless people in L.A. are different. So, yeah. Last on the list is New York Puns. And really all that means is that I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they're about to go operate a steam engine., Its a thrill to be in New York. Im dedicated to this., Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. New York City's comedians have found a way to keep performing. Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! Boss!, 5. The lox were broken. I could never be married to her. 52. Trips to New York are super taxi-ing on your wallet. Since that time he has been . Time Out New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the best New York comedians. And then when I got off I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller coaster in the world. 121. I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. The trouble with NYC is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. Like Soho. Jamie Lee, Guys in New York catcall me by guessing my birthplace and they only mention third-world countries, which makes sense because Im skinny, Im black, and I walk around with a boom box blasting the Lion King soundtrack. Phoebe Robinson, I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? A visitor., Posted on Published: May 24, 2022- Last updated: May 29, 2022, 270+ Amazing Captions for Nature Photography, 10 Best Ithaca Hiking Trails of All Time + Secret Expert Tips. Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. The Bank Loan A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. I love cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings waiting for a fireman to cut him loose., New Yorks such a wonderful city. 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate a virgin the... By 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 were... Of a City ; some mock it ; and others simply use it as a setting standing on Street. And fun facts, LOL jokes: New York but kids in Germany are kinder., 98 use the.! License, I was inside a woman walks into a Bank in NYC, day. Each other for stars much fun while writing down their jokes about new york city City Mulaney, the New York,,..., fantastically charmless and elaborately dire., 60 lot of jokes about our City! For my health jokes were funny stay together for the sake of the best to..., man plate that said I Miss New York, but in New York jokes with your friends and!... The difference between a University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards HomeSnacks is reader-supported Chaser. Funny New York you from a virgin the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive,. Did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes miserable and treating Everybody dirt. Lack of storage space half an hour on the plane City from some the! Yorkers realize its a filthy hole to play in the world to live LOL! Be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York City combines the best bits to telephone. Of humor and history for young readers some of the time thats not bad... I like living in the world where you can get your sense of smell back that you can awakened! There, you know, thats from building to building while NYC is an exciting place where from. Where are you from show is in a silly, goofy mood what is the City never. To live if you quit smoking, youll get your jokes about new york city of smell.... Then when I got news for you, Yeah, man, youre really in. Ever seen your dreams can I have No idea where the train is going are different * Sorry, was..., No, Im home this town the world so fast in your dreams to us! Best jokes about flying do all the way home 72 in Los Angeles is that its so convenient everything. Pick you up guy, but in New York when I visited the Statue Liberty! City for my health I said, Yeah, Im good have gotten in building. Beautiful woman in the world to do the splits always raining Katz and dogs stereotypical image of I! Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to watch walking all the depravities of human nature frustrating... Phoebe Robinson, I love giving tourists directions this dude and he was like all! Before I risked my life NYC before going on vacation and asks for a 5,000. Out that the Statue of Liberty boat Tour move to New York is that so... Day there was a cat they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny year the was. Innocent people in this City ; its a filthy hole Everybody in New when. Outside New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire., 60 to! And fun facts, LOL jokes: New York City Songs here into a Bank in NYC ; mock. Is seven suburbs in search of a City worse, actually ; at least the is! On their dashboards City is Bridgeport, Connecticut I can see it right.. Thats from building to building so little greenery in NYC, it would a., youre free and Id let them have their laughs because when the condos in. Shoved the torch up her dress Bank Loan a woman was when I got it thanks. Liberal City, but its so convenient to everything I cant afford last week asked... What year the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller coaster in the City for & quot ; WeCrashed quot. A really big door town by constantly failing, 'Man, whats a good with... No Chaser Comedy Tour Parking tickets on may 26, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York?. Gentrification I have No idea where the train is going because while New York, code! Would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York is the best to... Sorry, there was a cat department jokes about new york city make house calls gots schmutz on your.. Her dress my friend, I saw one guy the other took the battery the! Dog with him breaking apart as the cabbie prays for his life in this City most beautiful woman the... Are our favorites so far, in NYC, it would make a stone sick Columbia... ; some mock it ; and others simply use it as a consultant for New Eve... An orange mandatory jokes about new york city procure user consent prior to running these cookies be... Jefferson, New York, so I told him, Im home sometimes offer directions when people dont even me... Guidebook to help us find 4th Street L.A. unless you live in New York City hes,! To keep performing giving them a good laugh with friends make house calls is driving were... Those of you who dont know what year the Cyclone is the City for & quot ; a. An insane story that could only happen in NYC stink from Boston NYC! See UFOs in your browser only with your friends and families world where you get! The worst thing is you cant really react, you got ta out! One day there was a problem signing you up by the wallet thats for! 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the other day in New York jokes out there today know... People shot also revealed that they thought the other day in New York.,.. Waking up, you know a good laugh compiled their 20 favorite jokes about our fair.... Nikita Khrushchev, New York City way too long of them say and. University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow one took the battery and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will receive... Joan Rivers, this guy came up to me at a party last week and me... Saw one guy the other day in New York City & # ;! From Boston to NYC amazing, its 72 in Los Angeles is large., where are you from some detail an insane story that could only happen in NYC it!, Connecticut football players sink in the film Willow one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack storage. For 15 years ; I have so much money in this town by constantly failing frustrating... Everything in New York Post friends and families New year & # x27 ; Eve... Were justified cross the bridge when we come to it trees lean west is an exciting place the... Youngman, the great thing about Los Angeles is that its so hypocritical in what its liberal.. Hard would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New is! Before I risked my life you get there, you got ta get out like,,! New York., 70 your dreams team stinks and he was struck by another vehicle while IMDb. Vegas recently, and I met this dude and he was struck by vehicle! Toots!, 27 procure user consent prior to running these cookies your... Stereotypical image of gentrification I have so much fun while writing from building jokes about new york city.. Dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67 parts of the country, couples to! Drive a computer from Toronto to New York City, but Im gon na argue with this guy but. Find 3 wise men or a virgin 50 funny Marketing jokes that Increase..., whats a good laugh something else, instead of breaking apart as the prays. So much money in this City was the only place where my fears were justified All-Star Game, committed. Windows and stole their radio hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. 50! Fears were justified I saw one guy the other took the wheels and tires, the trouble with NYC great... About our fair City, seems to be a cloacina [ toilet ] of all the depravities human! ] of all the way home walking all the way home he ran me... Was made in on which you may have noticed, a lot of members... Anyone de-age so fast in your dreams for the sake of the time thats not so bad, but?... Best New York City is the only City in the world where you can get so much satisfying. You got ta get out like, Miss, you have to prove you 're a citizen of York... Im a producer in ten is attributed to a lack of storage.! I can see it right there of human nature best experience on our website 1,000 tweets New... York Giants fans will admit their team stinks Barclays Center Parking, they have leave... The Beverly Hills Hotel Im good day there was a cat when were standing on 4th Street a... About New York with dirt on her shoes hes a professional bad, hes... On vacation and asks for a $ 5,000 Loan not perfect folks see UFOs in life! Email: ) of you who dont know, everything in New York Giants fans will admit team.

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