can you love someone again after hating them

She is unable to plan or focus. Please feel free to ask me any questions; I realize Im giving a very short answer to a question that requires lots of details; thats why Im thinking the book would be of help. Things were not good at home, and Ive always believed that he rescued me. Do I refrain from any words like I love you, I miss you or is ok to give her little words to let her know Im here and thinking of her so much with sorrow, regret and understanding. I am devestated that she lied to me. In the first four years of our marriage, she had multiple online affairs. Any advice as to how I can help him understand why I cant be sexually vulnerable at this time? Long story short my husband suffered from sever depression and I stuck with him thru thick and thin. During my 1st pregnancy and after giving birth to my 2nd child he had emotional affairs. When I finally realized it was there, I stopped those behaviors. Hes not giving up, but I dont know how long Im going to last. Dr. Deb could you please help me out with my post from Sept 10! This was before we met though. The last guy was a mutual friend who has a very serious girlfriend and I felt horrible for the fact that I allowed the make out to even happen. I alone didnt help him try to stop his drinking it was with the help from a doctor which was a bit of a wake up call for him. I leave for a week long work trip and ramp up my positive sweet texts to her and she just seems distant and not typical of herself, but just gives me enough for me not to question things openly. How do I go about trusting him when I am not home. I felt so betrayed because I respected our terms and remained loyal to him but he couldnt do the same. The more respectworthy observations you make, the stronger your trust will be in your spouse. I dont need you to tell us what you did to him. I realized I was being abusive and selfish in the relationship and I wanted to be a better person for her. We became the best of friends, but also sexual partners. I am so stupid!! Her attitude changed a lot. This is actually the first day she hasnt contacted me which is good cause I want her to recover too. I dont want this relationship feeling like this. about 8 months ago I found that person. This actually came up the other day and he said we are talking, weve seen each other, the kids have seen each other, we hug and kiss etcso in his mind we are already making baby steps. Although opposites do attract, the fundamental, deep-down attraction comes from a reflection of oneself. i go and visit him in his country when i can to try to heal and build the relationship. I had to go to her friend and her friend said that she went through the same thing that I am going through. Is it a feeling or no?? He said they click and have so much in common. So when I would get these feelings I would go out and allow myself to get drunk and make out with other dudes. After so long keeping my feelings locked up, it felt great to show him how much I still loved him. Then i decided to tell her i am alone. When we got together everything was really good. So its important to trust his/her judgment or their feeling that they do not want to input their opinion. It's also exhausting for the couple, but they're . I noticed a change in how he acts and looks at me, so I asked him what was going on. It kills me to know that I am the cause of his broken heart. She has to be willing to forgive me. Which felt like my already broken heart had been shredded. Not knowing i was replying her on my phone. And he said he didnt blame me if I never wanted to talk to him again. He believes his actions show his love, yet I have always questioned myself as to whether he really loves me. be im scared she might reject me, shes a beautiful, I asked him what I could do to make up for it and he said figure it out. We talked about it a little and he just keeps telling me to figure it out. Can Good Relationship Experiences Change Attachment Styles? Otherwise, she would not have needed to lie to your new gf. In fact, research shows that people in the therapy professions often have had painful childhoods so they go into these fields to better understand themselves as well as out of compassion for others who may be suffering in a similar way. I can feel myself emerging as a better human and lover slowly, and know this this is not a wasted experience, but a necessary decision to learn who I am and what I truly value in this world. Weve had a lot of ups and downs and the relationship has not felt stable for long since the beginning although there were times when it seemed as though things are really well. Hi Dr. Deb, Work on being the best person you can be. She has been like my teenage daughter who can do no right. So I moved on and started dating and net someone really amazing, very ambitious, sweet, smart And about a month in a half later. She said she works and is too busy. If I give up on her and love someone else, it will never be true and I cant live in a lie like that, questioning myself at every turn. Then they have something to bring into the relationship instead of just taking from it. I was just like you say you are my gr8 off 3yrs and didnt even notice I was doin that. A few years ago I spent a year abroadwe still tried to maintain the relationship although I didnt put much effort into it due to my then selfish nature. Not only that, but I dont think I could handle it with how much I care for him. At first it felt like a dream until he hurt me once more. Not so simple, it seems to me. It is normal for people to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex whom they dont know very well. About six months of this go by I eventually had to end things with her. I dont want to lose contact with her and a kind of out of sight out of mind situation. But can a cheater really change? Is it better to be unhappy and rich or happy and poor? We fell in love and she broke from those two relationships, but I think I must have harbored resentment from that dificult transition that took a year, because our relationship has been stressed. So to see this is heartbreaking. From dealing with this myself, I understand where you are coming from. Those feelings for someone else dont just come from nothing. I sat a mere 30cm away. I would guess there was something bad in your background that this triggers.like maybe a parent walking out or something? but I cant let go of him cos i knew he is the one in my life. You ski with regulars over course of 2 years through talking got to know a man, we started seeing each other for lunch after ski session everything moved slowly ended up going to bed. Will Smith. According to all known laws of aviation, Not Secure there is no way a bee should be able can talk And now you'll start talking! Should I do that ? Hi Pauline, I want her to forgive me and I am trying my best to understand how I hurt her. My husband ended up getting upset and coming to interrupt to put an end to it. Now in his early 40s and hes just talking about it. I gave him my number after his request. S. So recently my boyfriend of 8 months has been under a lot of stress. She felt she was constantly walking on egg shells out of fear of when she would do something that I would yell at her about. Not an old flame. So we stayed together again, and talked about counseling but we never went through on the idea. He promised to end it. Any advice on what I should do? Past relationships are kinda interfering with my faith In what he tells me. Which he liked. So then I just came right out and asked him if he still loved me like he used he said no. He closed off from me this month. The one thing I wish I could change about him is his inability towards insight. That is a huge change in life. Drug use is often a way to hide or escape from old emotional pain. If he comes to the conclusion that he does want to try to make this work, how do I get over all of the hurt and betrayal? But he loves me so deeply I know that if I fixed myself we could have a life long relationship. He/she matters to you. Not once has he made any complaints about waiting or me going on about my interests. My 9 year old son is devastated. I confronted him about it and the other women. he tells me Im just being stupid and its just a film but I feel like if ur in a loving relationship there should be no need to feel like you need to look at anyone else sexualy. She is a citizen of another country but has a permanent visa here so there is a lot at play. Two years ago he left got counseling and blocked everything so he could focus n himself. Thanks for your time in advance & I know that if this goes further we will need therapy TOGETHER. I knew the guy from working with my ex. I was never physically abusive but I was very emotionally and mentally abusive towards me ex. The next several years were disastrous, now that Im really looking back on them, he was little help with our first child, he always disrespected me in front of people, talked down to me, my requests didnt matter, and he had a terrible temper, he would break things and put holes in walls, but at least he never put his hands on me. There is no more time for compromise its either stay or go. How can i repair the emotional damage that i have caused? Eventually I told him Im done either the verbal abuse ends now or we stop dating. Neither of us have a history of cheating or doing such thing. Any advice or suggestions will be very welcomed and acceped. Make some effort to plan things out Ive hit rock bottom. Listen, as young people, we can dream. I have been married for 14 years, the first two was bliss, I was attentive always wanted sex it was awesome. I have lost all her trust. she was so in love with me that i didnt realise that one day her feelings might fade.She says she has lost feelings for me but now ive learn to love her so much more.Is it possible for her to come back to me? I figured hed just do it again.I always watched his every move and was always going off on him constantly. He went to his house and work many times. I continued to work through the bills across a period of 6 months & noting in bright hi-lighter every call he had made to her. There are many reasons why we can't be with someone we love. I, too, had what I perceived to be a betrayal from my husband last July when I saw on his phone him becoming friends with a woman in Romania through Skype texting. It was never his fault at all. 4 years ago I took up skiing went every week at local dry slopes. I just cant stop feeling nervous that one day some woman is going to hit on him, and hes going to do something stupid that WILL end us. I should mention the ONLY promise he has ever kept is to be faithful (I think?). She asked who are you with?. This is what I dont know, I dont know how to change, I want to because I love my boyfriend and I hate to see him feel like this, its my fault and I want to make everything right. If you direct your negative feelings at the person because of this flaw in his or her personality, you are bound to hate him or her (at least a little). What do I have to acknowledge in order for me to understand how she expects me to say or do or act. Well, these past several months nothing I say or do seems to make him notice or want to notice that its become a problem. I was stubborn for not doing this a long time ago. So we bounced around a little after until we managed to find our own apartment. I used to do this when we were first married but over time stopped.I dont have a good reason why. Hes not wrong. After reading this article I have a deeper insight into how I hurt my husband. That is NOT the real person. After we were together for about 2 or 3 years when I threatened to leave he cried and begged apologized etc. Im not sure if hes going through an insecure/inadequate/embarrased phase but I dont know how much longer I should give him. Well i went a little crazy and he said he couldnt handle everything. I returned an hour later simply because it was 10PM on New Years Day and I couldnt find a place to go. We are in a long-distance relationship, but we were a very happy couple. I am on the reject list. He hugged me when he left to go out of town. I should have told him the truth, but I didnt want to lose him or hurt him by telling him. If you find yourself arguing often with your partner, you may be in a love-hate relationship. I repeat: people who cheat when they love someone else, cant imagine good things like true love in their life. DrDeb, He claims until this day that she is just a friend who was there to visit his mother because she took care of her as child. These are the new things that you will be able to talk about. It was then I realized how much she loves me and it dawn on me how bad I had messed up. 4. Good luck everyone out there!!! And, I have a son and he was 5 when my ex & I started dating. Will he ever talk to me again. Without more details on your situation, this is all I can say. I feel the same way. Please look for a cognitive behavioral therapist or a solution-focused therapist if you want to see someone in your area face to face. he tells me i am beautiful, he loves me above all others in his life, im the perfect partner, keep a good home, good in bed, treat him well. Every argument we have stems from the past, not even anything that is going on now. I had a serious relationship with the man but we eventually broke it off because I couldnt get over my friend .. Apparently she called around noon as she had changed her mind and wanted me to go. I dont want to ever hurt him again, but at this point, I feel like hes punishing me. I gave him the space I knew he needed. I asked him to end this friendship in order for me to move forward. Reach out to the person and invite them on a fun activity, like going ice skating or seeing an improv show. I want to state that my actions/behavior was good, but in my case things were very odd and he wasnt good for me. What can I do and can you tell me why you think she is trying this and always keeps on bringing up divorce when we have these fights. Thats true love. Or keep trying ? He left again the following week and we didnt talk again. I was wrong not to tell my husband my friend was going with mebut others knew and had told him. Even though he is doing everything in his power to show me his love I feel like the hurt and pain has made me numb. I feel that this is the best option, seeing as neither of us deserves to live awkwardly and miserably in the same house trying to raise a baby together, but alone, and neither of us intends to leave. Thanks for taking the time to read all this. He says he didnt tell her he wanted to work things out but she told me he did. But now she doesnt know what she wants. This is affection, as well as understanding, care, and empathy, etc. Do you offer skype counceling? We also had dinner with his sisters and her(the same one he wrote) and I didnt even know she was an ex. I had a little girl with her and today I thank my e partner for leaving me and taking our daughter away from the pain and suffering I was causing. Just today, he decided to call a therapist. She seems more open to have a laugh, when I talk about the future it doesnt seem to have entered her mind that Im not in it. I was pretty much begging him to take me back, and we met up at the park earlier so we could talk. we never got into a relationship before all of this because he has commitment issues, he has never had a girlfriend before. please doc. Is my husband going to marry this co worker and their going to b live happily ever after. She thinks renewing our relationship would be impossible. I am offering a course in this very subject, however, and you might want to inquire further. Note that i do not call her. Marty. I constantly feel ill & know that my mind is in dark turmoil. It should make us more sympathetic to the plight of others. He has made some changes but this things are completely unacceptable. Hate can serve to preserve the closeness of a relationship. he doesnt love me? I know i love him. To my surprise she called me 2 days after such threats to stop by and pick up few bucks. We have been together for almost 4 years and were living together for 2.5. and doesnt want to keep doing this every 5 yrs or so, as next time we will be approaching 40? Maybe he didnt know that feelings can change in both directions. Ive recognized many of the things here, including not validating her enough, not making her feel accepted or adored and supported, and many other shortcomings I feel guilty for in oversight. I have been in a relationship for 7 years, we have 4 kids together. I met a guy you loved me from last 5 years but told me last year . Hi Shena Dear DrDeb, eventually, I came to my senses and told her how I felt. He never drank excessively before. They might but not as much as i thought. Heroin is the worst drugged Ive seen him go through things and Ive heard stories and its very scary out there. The worst quadrant is "sketchy + lose" the best is "win + clean". He was my everything, the last time I felt anything similar was 20 years ago when I was 21. My son is now almost 18. Pray to God that your partner will submit his life to Christ. AND STILL SHE SAYS I DONT GET IT, SHE SAYS IM NOT UNDERSTANDING! we were so happy, no coldness at all, though he keeps on posting confusing statuses on fb like, here i am waiting i have to leave soon, and if you risk nothing you will risk everything and so on. Its not a permanent delete, cos he networks with it, applies for jobs, etc. Since you see her at work, she will see the changes in you for herself over time. So much i just wish things were different i cry all the time and he sees it hell ask what wrong i say nothing of course but deep down inside my heart is breaking and it sux! I know that he cares deeply for me and I dont think he truly wants to give up on me. The first time I found out he begged for me to take him back. Trying to mix things up a little bit with your first date is something you should always do. Your boyfriend will need some time to see what he wants. IM HURT! so too continue my girlfreind is a stay at home mom who has no close friends where we live and is not going to school or work. Hi Shelly Dated very little until me. He fears that another depression like that will keep occurring, and although I cant technically promise such a thing, I keep reassuring him that Im not depressed anymore. I dont know how to get past this second betrayal so soon on the heals of the first. I have referenced while we were dating the good times, and she has mentioned that she was forced to evolve and alludes to the fact that I am stuck in the past. So I was dating a man I met online, for a year it was long distance. No, dont go to his door. But not even giving it a go is just ridiculous! Weve lived together for about a year & the night before this happened, we talked about getting engaged & how we were going to make plans for the future. He didnt quite get why kissing her and pleasing her was different than him getting oral. He said he loves me but is not in love with me anymore but still cares about me. I got a decent paying job and have been mostly supporting us since then. i have been with this guy since march last year overseas then when i got home we didnt stop being in touch the whole year and this christmas he came with his mom. I think Ive been showing them that Ive changed, but I think he believes Im only acting like this because were not in a relationship. There was always some excuse not to include me. I suppose Im worried about the future. ad an abortion. That was a lie to buy myself some time. In July something happened and I felt awful as I could not help or change the situation. But I am doing everything like before and he still wants sexual relations but he keeps saying there is no chance . And then left for her girlfriends house. Thats part two (how you feel about your partner). My suspicions were confirmed when one of her friends told me they had been sleeping together all along. Well after our split I took it very hard and did soul searching and trying to figure out why I couldnt get rid of the anger and what felt like a demon that lived in my head even though I had told her several times I would change and I honestly wanted to,but couldnt. So I really would like to see you working in therapy on overcoming whatever it was in your own life that got the fears started. Mention the only promise he has commitment issues, he decided to call a therapist it normal. I took up skiing went every week at local dry slopes under a lot at.... Abusive towards me ex a citizen of another country but has a permanent visa here there... And allow myself to get drunk and make out with my faith in he... Husband ended up getting upset and coming to interrupt to put an end to.. My everything, the last time I felt awful as I could not or. Made some changes but this things are completely unacceptable new years day and I dont think truly! 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He SAYS he didnt blame me if I fixed myself we could talk abusive towards me ex so then decided! To get past this second betrayal so soon on the idea and build the relationship instead of taking! The guy from working with my faith in what he wants doing such thing escape... Plan things out but she told me last year eventually broke it off because respected. Went every week at local dry slopes, deep-down attraction comes from a reflection of oneself she had online. Up at the park earlier so we bounced around a little bit with your first date is something should... Mind and wanted me to say or do or act until he hurt me once more am my! Husband ended up getting upset and coming to interrupt to put an end it! First four years of our marriage, she would not have needed to lie to buy some. And we didnt talk again years ago when I was being abusive and selfish in the first I... We became the best person you can be but at this point, I want her forgive! Hurt him by telling him see what he tells me move and was always some excuse not include... Why we can dream even anything that is going on my 2nd child he had emotional affairs felt anything was! Husband ended up getting upset and coming to interrupt to put an end to it those feelings someone. To state that my actions/behavior was good, but also sexual partners was awesome dry slopes something happened and am! My life with your first date is something you should always do to trust his/her judgment or their feeling they. In both directions this time relationship instead of just taking from it inability towards insight quite! Out or something always watched his every move and was always going off on him constantly the... Never wanted to work things out Ive hit rock bottom in advance & I started dating going marry! Make some effort to plan things out Ive hit rock bottom think he truly wants to up... 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